I have heard people from time to time get very upset when someone refers to Paul in response to a question on marriage matters. “What would that chauvinist, woman hating, …” Well, it the rest usually isn’t fit to repeat but I think you get the point. They vehemently claim he hates women and that he was never married, etc. I first caution that they are speaking very unkindly and unjustly of the very man called of Christ Jesus to be the apostle to the Gentiles for this the dispensation of the age of grace, the man who by the power of the Holy Spirit wrote half of the New Testament books; this is not a man any of us is in a position to criticize. Then I wonder why they even think he was never married, after all Scripture does not in anyway say or imply that. Actually quite the opposite is true.
Oh I know folks like to go to
1 Corinthians 7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
As if Paul in this passage is saying he was unmarried, however I must point out that he not only mentions the unmarried but widows and he does not claim to be part of either group but instead says that it is good if they remain as he is, which in the context of the passage is the abstinent from sexual activity which is what is implied by “abide even as I” for the unmarried and widows. It is true he could be a widow but the following verse seems to say Paul has a wife he is free to lead about if she were a sister in Christ however he does not do so (I believe for good reason as I will explain shortly.)
1 Corinthians 9:5 Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord, and Cephas?
Of course there is a degree of assumption involved if taking just the two passages I’ve quoted from so far as proof that Paul did indeed have a wife, so let’s look at two passages that prove it without any assumption, historically proven facts that can’t be denied.
I know you’re thinking I’m nuts as these passages have nothing at all to do with marriage and that’s true, but they have everything to do with showing without a doubt that Paul was married. Personally his understanding of marriage as spoken of in Ephesians 5 and Romans 7 in relation to Christ and the church is so rich and intimate that I can’t help put see that he speaks from experience but that isn’t proof enough for some so let me continue with the verses from Acts.
In both verses you will note he says he gave his consent or voice against Jewish followers of Christ. That’s the key you see, he gave his vote against them. Just look at who Paul was when he was still known as Saul.
Philippians 3:5-6 Circumcised the eighth day, of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, an Hebrew of the Hebrews; as touching the law, a Pharisee; Concerning zeal, persecuting the church; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless.
He was a Hebrew of the Hebrews not a proselyte, circumcised the eighth day, a Pharisee, persecuting the church of the little flock; this dude was legit as far as Jewish law was concerned. A rabbi who studied at the feet of the great Gamaliel:
Acts 22:3 I am verily a man which am a Jew, born in Tarsus, a city in Cilicia, yet brought up in this city at the feet of Gamaliel, and taught according to the perfect manner of the law of the fathers, and was zealous toward God, as ye all are this day.
You know Gamaliel is the one who in Acts 5 said to just beat Peter and John then let them go about their way cause he knew that if they were of God persecution would only worsen the problem from the Sanhedrin perspective. Speaking of the Sanhedrin guess who else was a member of it, in fact, it is said he was next in line to take wise in his own eyes Gamaliel’s place? Yep that’s right our boy Paul became a member of the Sanhedrin in his early thirties. That’s important see cause there were two requirements in addition to the whole Hebrew of Hebrews and all above that had to be met to be a member of the Sanhedrin, Israel’s version of the Supreme Court, and thus able to cast a voice (vote) against or consent to the persecution of believers in Christ. A man had to be married and a father. In Jewish customs it was frowned upon for a man to remain unmarried, in fact it was encouraged at a young age by today’s standards, twenty was considered a prime age for matrimony for young men. In addition fatherhood was considered evidence of God’s blessing. A member of the Sanhedrin was required to be married and a father as it was believed this made them a fair and just judge – after all marriage and more so fatherhood brings a depth of understanding and maturity to a man. An unmarried man was strictly forbidden to be a member of the Sanhedrin.
We see this principle reflected for us during the age of grace in the following passages in 1 Timothy and Titus about men seeking to be bishops and elders in a local fellowship.
So clearly Paul was married before he was saved by God’s grace since he was a member of the Sanhedrin in order to consent to Stephen’s stoning and to relentlessly pursue the disciples and waste the church. But why does he not plainly speak of her in his epistles? After all his depth and intimate understanding of marriage shows she must have been very dear to him, he must have loved her greatly. So what happened to this beloved wife of his?
In Acts 7 we see him present at the stoning of Stephen by Acts 9 he is persecuting the little flock with a zeal and fervency that makes me queasy.
Acts 9:1 And Saul, yet breathing out threatenings and slaughter against the disciples of the Lord, went unto the high priest,
Galatians 1:13 For ye have heard of my conversation in time past in the Jews’ religion, how that beyond measure I persecuted the church of God, and wasted it:
Let’s face it as Saul, Paul was one very bad dude! And I do not mean that as a compliment instead he was more like a raving, ravenous, rapid hound from hell. He was in Jerusalem called there to help put down this uprising of these pathetic followers of Jesus, subdue and destroy them, but God had other plans. Don’t you love it when God buts in as He did that day as Saul journeyed towards Damascus to wreak havoc on the churches there? One that fateful glorious day the glorified risen Christ shines down from glory and saved Saul the chief of sinners.
Acts 9:3-6 And as he journeyed, he came near Damascus: and suddenly there shined round about him a light from heaven: And he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Lord said unto him, Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do.
Praise the Lord, that day thrills my heart because had not Christ shown his glory down that day I would not be safe and secure in His glorious grace today. But that’s a message for another day back to Saul, our apostle Paul now.
He continued to Damascus blind as a bat as Christ instructed, waited three days before Ananias showed up on Christ’s orders:
Acts 9:17-18 And Ananias went his way, and entered into the house; and putting his hands on him said, Brother Saul, the Lord, even Jesus, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy sight, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and was baptized.
Now note this is the beginning of the Revelation of the mystery and so far all any of them know is the kingdom gospel of repent and be baptized, hence why we see Paul being baptized. So if we piece together the accounts of Paul’s early days of his conversion we see that he went to Arabia for 3 years before returning to Damascus to preach for a spell until his life was endangered and he escaped in a basket to Jerusalem where he abode with the disciples a while then returned to his hometown of Tarsus where he remains for approximately 8-10 years.
Galatians 1:16-20 To reveal his Son in me, that I might preach him among the heathen; immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood: Neither went I up to Jerusalem to them which were apostles before me; but I went into Arabia, and returned again unto Damascus. Then after three years I went up to Jerusalem to see Peter, and abode with him fifteen days. But other of the apostles saw I none, save James the Lord’s brother. Now the things which I write unto you, behold, before God, I lie not.
Acts 9:19-20 And when he had received meat, he was strengthened. Then was Saul certain days with the disciples which were at Damascus. And straightway he preached Christ in the synagogues, that he is the Son of God.
Acts 9:30 Which when the brethren knew, they brought him down to Caesarea, and sent him forth to Tarsus.
Now notice what he was about when Christ saved him, he was on an official mission of doom and destruction for the Jewish leaders the Pharisees if which he was a member of outstanding repute. He was sent to Damascus to seek Jesus’ followers in the synagogues there (notice it is the synagogues these are not Gentiles believers but Jews), his conversion then to a follow of the very one he was sent out against would have been a huge embarrassment to the Jewish leaders back in Jerusalem. So much so that in their own historical literature the official story they give of Paul is that “he suffered a severe heatstroke on the road to Damascus which caused temporary blindness and left him stark raving mad”. That’s what they say, we know the truth however. But back in Tarsus where he was from there is a woman waiting, waiting for her strong husband of whom she is so proud to return from putting down the uprising of those pesky filthy followers of that man who claimed to be the Messiah. She is waiting along with his mother and father. Ahh that proud Jewish father praising his son who is “already a revered member of the Sanhedrin, one day to head it when the great Gamaliel steps down, off on the most important task of stamping out once and for all these blasphemous idolatrous rebel’s who claim to follow the Messiah.” They wait anxiously for his return when things settle. They wait, and wait, … and wait. They begin after a time to hear tales troubling, disturbing tales but they refuse to believe they are true it is just lies of the enemies, those Jesus followers. Meanwhile back in Jerusalem the Pharisees are in a tizzy, the Sanhedrin in knots as they try to save face and deal with this most embarrassing and confounding defection by their golden boy. After some time they have received numerous requests from Sauls amity demanding information, answers so they send an official statement back to Tarsus. Perhaps penned by the great Gamaliel himself and reading something like this:
“Dear Mrs. Saul,
We regret to inform you of the terrible tragedy that happened while your husband was pursuing his official duties as revered and honored member of our assembly. On his way to Damascus unfortunately the oppressive heat of the sun bearing down upon him caused him to suffer a sever heat stroke leaving him temporarily blind the shock of which causes a complete mental breakdown. He regrettably has been kidnapped by a group of bandits who claim to follow that guy who was crucified some time ago. We have been unable to find him or establish any contact with him, in fact we hear strange rumors saying he is wandering like mad in Arabian wilderness. We do wish we could offer more hope for his return to normal life and please accept our condolences as we extend our deepest sympathy. Sincerely yours, Gamaliel, Highest Holder of High-mindedness“
I can see that, they spout off some official line trying to save face and solve an embarrassing problem. So Saul’s wife, family and friends set about grieving and getting on with life, cherishing the fond memories of that proud outstanding Jewish man – rabbi, judge, son, husband, father. Ahh that last would be a piercing pain even deeper for them as the poor wee one had passed before reaching its next birthday and Saul didn’t yet know that his beloved child was cold in the tomb.
But days slide into weeks, months and years wounds and hurts heal and the memories become treasures till one day three years later a man walks into town, weary beaten fleeing for his life he returns to the one place he will always be welcome- home. Imagine the surprise, joy, tears of excitement on those loved ones faces as the one they had given up for dead stands in the doorway. The wife rushing into his arms nearly knocking him to the ground as she embraces the man she thought she had lost. The proud father weeping unashamedly as he steps forward and embraces his prodigal son who was lost but has now found his way home. And ahh, Saul’s mother has fainted cold away from the shock and is only just stirring again, she sobs convulsingly and touches the face as she had all his life, tracing the scars there remembering soft baby cheeks and downy hair. Then anxiously Saul looks round counting heads and noticing a small one missing, He begins “Where’s…” but that question is never finished as his beloved wife takes his hand, shakes her head as tears spill once more. Not of joy this time but bitter heartache. Understanding without a word being spoken he enfolds his wife in his arms and weeps, weeps tears of exhaustion and anguish, his parents slip out as they console one another. That evening they have a dinner as a family with friends and loved ones dropping in to see the pride of Tarsus with their own eyes, returned from the wilderness. As there gather round they begin begging to hear the tale of his adventures, claiming to have heard crazy rumors that he was follower of that old so and so who claimed to be the Messiah the one they crucified in Jerusalem several years previous, the one whose followers he had set out to put down three years earlier. They would claim they always knew that wasn’t possible so what had happened was he sick and kidnapped as the letters from Gamaliel himself said. That moment would have been one for the books as Saul better known as Paul now rises slowly and begins his tale.
His tale of the glory of the gospel of the grace of God! He describes the light, the voice and the Truth! How Christ saved him even as he was hell bent on destroying Him. He preaches Christ and his death burial and resurrection for salvation and with each word faces fall, listeners rise, shake their heads and walk towards the door. Maybe a few try to argue but then they remember what Gamaliel said and they stop and walk away till all that’s left is wife, mother, father. Paul looks at his family and sees shock, condemnation, disbelief, rejection. Things changed in just a few short moments. Days slide into weeks into years and Paul labors got the Gospel in the toughest field around his hometown. He does go into the outlying areas of Sicilia and Syria preaching as we see:
Galatians 1:21-23 Afterwards I came into the regions of Syria and Cilicia; And was unknown by face unto the churches of Judaea which were in Christ: But they had heard only, That he which persecuted us in times past now preacheth the faith which once he destroyed.
He even expresses a desire to return to these churches in his later epistles.
But for now let’s get back to the lives ones at home kinsman, wife, family, friends all of whom he strives for some 8-10 years to bring to Christ. He had returned to Tarsus a broken humbled man who was filled with a light and life that spilled out of him to the hardest yet most effective place to minister to those lost damned souls there whom he loves so dearly; distressed as he expounds the glories of Christ the Messiah of Israel, Savior of the World fulfillment of all sacrifices risen high priest over all. Daily he preached, begged, pleaded and they did the same. “How could you do this to us? You were raised better than this! How dare you turn your back on your faith!” Friends drifted away, more distant family did as well, parents died and soon all that’s left is Paul and his wife. The wife who once rushed into his arms in grateful overwhelming joy now looked at him with contempt, disgust and on that final day said it’s enough leave. Go spread your blasphemous lies elsewhere. Just like Job’s wife telling him “to curse God and die” as he sat stinking, oozing, and utterly dejected on that dung pile Paul’s wife might well have looked at him and spat in hate and disgust the final blow to their life together “I wish you had never returned home, had died on that road that day you had your vision you pathetic man! “.
It had continued for years until a climax was reached when the time came that the relationship had to end (all families reach this if their is no reconciliation between the unsaved and Christ) Jesus cannot be set aside for the love of Christ will not be all that we loose if we do, we must cling to the cross of Christ as Paul did when the climax came and the lost family of Paul rejected him utterly cast him out as a insane man hopelessly lost and a burdensome stone that grated on their nerves, the spirit of Christ in him was a bitter gall to their unrepentanted rejecting hard forcing him to begin that missionary journeying which made up the rest of his life.
Paul had lost all he once counted gain in this world – wife, child, family, friends, position, home. All gone but he had gained the one thing more precious, priceless, the perfect love of Christ Jesus! If we read between lines of Philippians 3:7-8 we can see that Paul is saying he lost wife and family.
Paul knew all to well the cost of following Jesus after seeing himself as the pride of Israel bound for hell clothed in filth righteousness of rags when the glorified Christ shines down on him on that dusty Damascus road blinding him in order to open his eyes. Afterward he saw all those he loved wife family friends in this light, those whose filth had held Christ to the cross yet they rejected it and he counted them loss, as dung, as he gained Christ.
You too must want Christ more than anything else in order to be saved and trust the faith of Christ – if not you will choose hell over all. You mustn’t say as is so often the case “After (x,y, or z occurs) I’ll get saved, you’ll go to hell for you count any earthly person, goal , achievement or possession over Christ. Paul obviously lived to see the day he suffered a great loss however he counted it not as loss and he was not sorry he rejoiced in what he gained. The pain and suffering were nothing in comparison to knowing Christ Jesus and the joy he gained when Jesus saved his soul.
Paul did not feel he suffered the loss, he understood we suffer nothing as loss for Christ for all is gain if we gain Him. Suffering of this life nothing to be compared with any loss we may face. In this light that wife and family Paul once counted gain he now counted loss.
But back to the question of why Paul never outright mentioned the wife he had once beloved so dearly, we must remember one simple truth, Paul was human and didnt wish to reopen wounds healed in Christ, he did not mention her because of this, cant you see. This wound is the controversy between saved and unsaved since Cain slew Abel and if our families do not come to Christ we will see this day, we can not force acceptance of Christ and it will divide asunder if they will not be saved. So will you with Paul, with Job, say:
Job 19:25-27 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
I pray you count any loss as gain my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ because you know your Redeemer liveth, even is it is a spouse or child or family or friend, for Christ is gain.